Which Ironman should I enter?

Forgive me if this month’s column seems even more incoherent than usual, but I’ve just had a nasty shock!

Recently I’ve decided to come out of unintentional Ironman retirement and enter a race in 2024. Unintentional because I did my last IM pre-lockdown and haven’t really got back into the full-distance swing.

However, after messing about with ultra-marathons and giant swims this year I decided it was high time I returned to where my heart is, namely staggering cramp-ridden along some path while caked in snot and flies with hands covered in sticky gel after swimming 3.8km and cycling 180km.

I was pondering which race upon which to relaunch my pale, bony and scar-tissued legs so began an online search. Should I return to the scene of my greatest triumph and fastest finish at Challenge Roth, where I was mistakenly assailed as a fellow-countryman by drunken Germans?

Or should it be Ironman France, where my closest family live and where I can wangle some cheap accommodation? Or perhaps it should be the land of my father, Ironman Wales, where I can learn Welsh for key phrases like ‘Can I borrow your track pump’ and ‘Is this the way to the medical tent?’

The king of Ironmans

It was while scrolling through likely races, however, that I received my shock, because my eye fell on a news story that nearly made my fall off my turbo trainer – Ironman Lanzarote might not be going ahead…. What?! The race of races, the king of Ironmans, not going ahead? How can this possibly be??

I have a love-hate relationship with Lanza. It’s the only race I’ve done three times and it’s responsible for my three slowest times. I’ve suffered like the proverbial dog on that hot, windy hellscape of a course, but something about it draws me back

It seems that numbers of entrants have fallen to the point where, at the time of writing, the future of the race is in serious doubt.

I already knew about the demise of Ironman UK, and I was dimly aware that entry numbers across the board must be down because someone I know entered Ironman Austria without having to wait up until midnight on the day entries opened to furiously click ‘enter’ during the 10 seconds that places were available. But no Ironman Lanzarote? It’s unthinkable.

Long-time readers of this tosh will know I have a love-hate relationship with Lanza. It’s the only race I’ve done three times and it’s responsible for my three slowest times. I’ve suffered like the proverbial dog on that hot, windy hellscape of a course, but something about it draws me back.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

Perhaps it’s getting clumped on the head during the first mad 400m of the swim to the first turn buoy. Perhaps it’s seeing the climb at Timanfaya stretching endlessly in front of you like a staircase on fire.

Perhaps it’s dodging the sand dunes that blow across the road at Famara, or the lovely, lovely, lovely climb up Haria.

Perhaps it’s Mirador del Rio, where I cycled up at the same speed as people who were walking, or the rough road to Nazaret, where you have to dodge bottles that have been shaken off bikes.

Perhaps it’s the heat, or better still the relentless wind which tricks you into thinking you’re a good cyclist when it’s behind you before stopping you dead in your tracks when it’s in your face or blowing you off mountains when it’s from the side.

But let me provide some balance by saying that the atmosphere throughout the whole day is second to none, the views are spectacular, the run through Puerto del Carmen is unforgettable and the feeling you get from finishing is like no other.

What’s behind the potential downfall?

My old mate Neill now lives out in Lanzarote so I asked him what might be behind its potential downfall. Is it the post-lockdown non-returners like me? Or the cost-of-living crisis? Or people wanting fast times rather than hard courses?

Well, according to the great man it’s all of the above, and the fact that he’s no longer in the UK nagging people to go out and do the race with him – and I know full well that as soon as he reads this he’ll be persistently on to me to come and do the bloody thing.

Interestingly, he also thinks that there’s still a fair chance the race will be on in 2024, which means that the more people enter it, the better the chance of it going ahead, adding a nice layer of guilt to my 2024 IM choice! So it’s either cheap France, bonkers Germany, flat Holland, friendly Wales or hellish Lanzarote. Choices, choices…

Editor update: Since this went to print in our October issue, Ironman have announced the date of the 2024 Lanzarote event – 24 May.

Top illustration: Daniel Seex