Which gym tribe are you?

Ah gym, how do I love thee, let me count the ways… None.

For reasons too boring even for me to explain, I am back in the gym and spending a disturbing amount of time perched stork-like atop the only Wattbike in the place, pedalling away while sandwiched between the Stairmaster and some medieval torture device called ‘Ski Attack’.

From my vantage point at the back of the fitness suite, up against the wall where my flying sweat can’t spray innocent gym-goers, I while away the agonising time watching – and judging – all the other people unlucky enough to be there at the same time.

They could be judging me, too, of course, but it’s unlikely as I’m so unmemorable nowadays that my passport photo might as well be the curtains behind my head.

The different gym tribes

Anyway, it occurs to me that gyms are even more tribal than cycling, with distinct clans occupying different parts of the room. Here are the ones I’ve noticed so far:

Treadmill headphones jogger Trots bouncily along while wearing huge, noise-cancelling headphones, which render them oblivious to the tuts, sighs and muttered threats of those lurking nearby waiting to nab the machine.

Free weights mirror man Sits on a bench doing arm curls with unfeasibly large dumbbells, not taking their eyes off themselves for a second. Prone to the odd grunt or clanking the weights down if they sense they aren’t getting enough attention.

Mat stretcher Spends the entire time they’re in the gym splayed out on a rubber mat contorting themselves into excruciating looking positions as though they were playing a solo game of Twister.

Skinny vest lad Starting out on their journey to transform into the ‘free weights mirror man’, they have reached the stage of wearing a huge vest over their string bean body and drinking vast quantities of protein shake between bicep curls.

Non-sweating cyclist Unlike the Wattbike-only obsessive at the back they aren’t bothered which bike is free and will happily pedal away on recumbent trainers while watching ITVBe on their phones. Can occasionally cause scowling if they dare to occupy the Wattbike.

Permanently injured old bloke Often on the rowing machine wearing a headband, a grey T-shirt, and a knee bandage that looks like it dates from the Battle of Waterloo.

Bench texter The one doing 10 reps on the bench press followed by 15mins sitting on it texting on their phone. Tends to be surprised that anyone else might want to use the bench.

Recovering proper athlete Usually found running in the pool wearing a flotation belt, or doing a few light reps with weights that the free weights mirror man can only dream of lifting. They mark themselves out as the real thing by bouncing effortlessly over box-jumps while brandishing an enormous zip-fastener scar on their leg.

Waiting for class Does a few lateral pull-downs or bicep curls while waiting outside the dance studio for Body Pump or Boxercise classes where you learn to duff people up to music.

Weirdly specific exercise athlete The whole time they’re in the gym they do the same, oddly-specific drills over and over, which have you guessing what on earth they could be training for. Is it skiing? Hammer-throwing? Showjumping? Kabaddi?

The triathlete Starts out with a few minutes on the rowing machine as a swimming substitute before moving swiftly to the bike where they adopt the TT position and thunder away until the treadmill is free whereupon they leap off and run to it before steadily cranking up the speed and pounding away so heavily they drown out the Body Pump class.

Wattbike weirdo Enters the gym anxiously listening for sounds of the bike in use before pouncing on it if it’s free and immediately pedalling at a ludicrously fast cadence. Adopts the flat-backed, chest out posture of Mark Cavendish but quickly reverts to their typical hunched-over pose. Begins to sweat within the first kilometre and soon becomes a human garden sprinkler. Best avoided.

Illustration credit: Daniel Seex